Shock Revelation: Eminem is Gay

In a stunning revelation that shook the entertainment industry to its core, rapper Eminem announced that he is a homosexual.

The three-time Grammy award winning artist came out today at a hastily convened press conference at his studio in the Hollywood Hills.

“Yo I ain't like those faggots, you know what I ‘m saying. I ain’t gonna start wearing pink tutus or anything, I just got much love for my homeboy Ryan, know what I'm saying?” he asked reporters.

Dr Lasz B. Yen, a sociologist and gender studies Professor at the Dyke University in Amsterdam, said that this disclosure hardly surprised her.

“It’s not uncommon for gay men to express violent homophobic behaviour in an attempt to mask their inherent faggotry.”

“One of my patients murdered 14 gay men before he realized that he was himself, a homosexual. Now he’s an extremely successful hair dresser.”

Eminem will go down in history as the first white, gay rapper.

In 1992 there was some controversy when ‘rapper’ Vanilla Ice was briefly considered to be the first gay, white rapper.

However, FBI investigations later uncovered that he was “not homosexual per se, just a complete fag.”

Eminem has announced plans to spend a “fabulous weekend” at fellow singer Elton John’s residence.

"Now I'll find out if I melt in your hand or in your mouth," he joked disgustingly.

He also made public his long-time secret engagement to well known entertainer and flaming homosexual, Ryan Seacrest.

In related news, Dr Dre and the entire D-12 entourage have killed themselves.

- New Yorker

Music Video made by Stuntman 'Buddy' Joe Hooker

4 Weird Music Videos

Bjork - Pagan Poetry

Gwar - Meat Sandwich

Squarepusher - Come on My Selector

Undergrad to Terminate Existence

Local undergrad Kurt Ganapathy has announced his sudden retirement from life. The shock announcement came last night after weeks of complaints about the difficult nature his of existence.

“Don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing here”, he explained at a press conference at the reception of College Square.

"Fuck this country," he added.


Life, the state of being that one experiences during one’s existence is experienced by more than 6 billion people worldwide. Some of the history’s most famous figures have retired from life including Ernest Hemingway, Kurt Cobain and Heath Ledger.

Ganapathy added that he was being “crushed under the weight of my own existense.” His cited his hectic routine, which involves sleeping all day, binge drinking several times a week and occasionally attending classes at university.

Ganapathy intends to consume alcohol until he passes on. He left the press conference twice to smoke and after answering a handful of questions, he made his exit saying it was “time to call it a night”. It was half past 9 in the morning.

Ganapathy will be calling it a life on the 21st of April. His funeral will be held at Puggs Malone Irish Pub from 7pm till closing time. The event will feature an open bar, live band Analcunt and back-to-back screenings of Family Guy. Tickets are available from Carlton Newsagency.

'Ginormous' now in Dicktionary

The folks at Merriam-Webster decided in their infinite wisdom, to add some interesting words to their lexicon. Some words are understandable, such as 'sudoku' or 'Bollywood', words used often and having real meaning. But idiocy pervades even the brightest minds. The genius wordmiths are also adding such beautiful words like 'ginormous', which is the when something is both enormous and gigantic. Well, naturally. It's not like you could add 'extremely' or 'immensely' infront of the word enormous to convey the massiveness of scale. Apparently, it's also immensely out of fashion to use another word in place of enormous. Something like 'colossal' or 'gargantuan'. As such, the only reasonable solution was to use a bastardized word that is borne out of forced fornication of the 2 words in question. But why stop there? We need consistency. If we're going to erode the stature of the English language into hillbilly rubble, let's do it fully. I hereby submit my choice of the top 5 mashed together words that should follow in the footsteps of Ginormous right into Merriam-Websters' pants.

5. 'Serrought' - Severe Drought
4. 'Crew-Boozing' - Cruising for a bruisin'
3. 'Homo' - Harry Potter motion picture
2. 'Shut-up already' - Global Warming/Climate Change
1. 'Dick van Dyke show' - gay and lesbian marriage

Scientists to Pluto: "Fuck-Off!"

It's finally happened. After years of bitter feuding, scientists have finally agreed that Pluto is no longer a planet. Instead, it has been cast aside and given the paltry classification of "ball of gas". Ouch!

In all fairness, Pluto was always a bit of a dodgy planet. When is the last time anyone even saw Pluto. At least Mars is close by and Venus is all seductive. Saturn has style-sense what with its shiny rings. Uranus is worth keeping for its name alone. Mercury is, well, silverish sounding. Neptune was always a decent planet. Jupiter is a huge motherfucker. What's Pluto ever done for us apart from being annoyingly far away. Look at that picture. Just look at it. What the fuck is that? Does that look like a planet to you? It could be a picture of a hemorrhoid for all you know? Call that a planet!

Does it really expect to be part of the party even though it's so antisocial. What's so great about it anyway. Oh it's cold. Alright, I have a refrigerator too. Ice cubes never scared me. I say it's high time we give the finger to that puff of fart we used to call a planet. It's about time we reject it for the puny little slut planet that it is (You know the joke about Pluto: It's the village spaceshuttle - Everyone's had a ride). Let's unite in hatred of Pluto. In fact, let's burn any and all books that mention that word. We can start with the ancient Roman and Greek texts which mention Pluto numerous times. Yes they were referring to a god, but we need to be firm and smoke these villains out of their caves. We need to erase all history concerning Pluto and forget it ever happened. If we forgot Rwanda, we can sure as hell forget Pluto.

A Wager Won - by Derrick

The 3 of us, seated upon this tasselled divan, sipping our daily dose of effervescent tea. I noticed a gleaming white colossal bike. I remarked to our rotund friend, Daniel, "Do you know not of an impressive function concealed within this menace of a motorbike?" "What dah?" he exclaimed. "The startling function is that this bike has a reverse gear!" Our burly friend rebuked me with such angst and tenacity. He said "No la. Nonsense. Don't talk cock." I was stupefied by his terrorising manner. His immense manner in which he rebuked me made me incensed. I thought to myself, "This imbecile's appalling behaviour would not even be tolerated by a mere cockroach, not to say myself." As it turned out, the irony of fate intervened and a cockroach landed on his hairy arm.

I decided that I shall not be reproached like this. "Good sir, I wager you 1000 francs that the bike indeed has a reverse gear, what say you to that?" Daniel's eyes nearly bulged out of his measly sockets. He replied with such confidence that it made me doubt myself. Nevertheless, the nincompoop compromised on the gentleman's wager. Daniel walked with a confident swagger towards the machine, whereas I used the large thing between my ears, (which wasn't my nose) and approached the rider and asked him the fateful question. The gay fiend, when he heard the truth, burst into an ecstatic trance and his button on his shirt nearly burst. He went into a sudden outburst and screamed what sounded to me like an insult, which vaguely sounded like 'meek', but dragged out over 10 seconds. I was astonished by the antics of our robust fellow, a little insulted perhaps but elated over the fact that I have triumphed over this mangy fellow. Moments later, the rider took his leave and gladly obliged us by reversing his bike in front of us. The moment it happened, streamers and confetti laced down from the skies, as wild cheers erupted. Daniel himself proudly gave a standing ovation with a wide grin on his enormous face. Daniel was clearly enthralled. That put a smile on my face too.
~Derrick