Scientists to Pluto: "Fuck-Off!"

It's finally happened. After years of bitter feuding, scientists have finally agreed that Pluto is no longer a planet. Instead, it has been cast aside and given the paltry classification of "ball of gas". Ouch!

In all fairness, Pluto was always a bit of a dodgy planet. When is the last time anyone even saw Pluto. At least Mars is close by and Venus is all seductive. Saturn has style-sense what with its shiny rings. Uranus is worth keeping for its name alone. Mercury is, well, silverish sounding. Neptune was always a decent planet. Jupiter is a huge motherfucker. What's Pluto ever done for us apart from being annoyingly far away. Look at that picture. Just look at it. What the fuck is that? Does that look like a planet to you? It could be a picture of a hemorrhoid for all you know? Call that a planet!

Does it really expect to be part of the party even though it's so antisocial. What's so great about it anyway. Oh it's cold. Alright, I have a refrigerator too. Ice cubes never scared me. I say it's high time we give the finger to that puff of fart we used to call a planet. It's about time we reject it for the puny little slut planet that it is (You know the joke about Pluto: It's the village spaceshuttle - Everyone's had a ride). Let's unite in hatred of Pluto. In fact, let's burn any and all books that mention that word. We can start with the ancient Roman and Greek texts which mention Pluto numerous times. Yes they were referring to a god, but we need to be firm and smoke these villains out of their caves. We need to erase all history concerning Pluto and forget it ever happened. If we forgot Rwanda, we can sure as hell forget Pluto.

A Wager Won - by Derrick

The 3 of us, seated upon this tasselled divan, sipping our daily dose of effervescent tea. I noticed a gleaming white colossal bike. I remarked to our rotund friend, Daniel, "Do you know not of an impressive function concealed within this menace of a motorbike?" "What dah?" he exclaimed. "The startling function is that this bike has a reverse gear!" Our burly friend rebuked me with such angst and tenacity. He said "No la. Nonsense. Don't talk cock." I was stupefied by his terrorising manner. His immense manner in which he rebuked me made me incensed. I thought to myself, "This imbecile's appalling behaviour would not even be tolerated by a mere cockroach, not to say myself." As it turned out, the irony of fate intervened and a cockroach landed on his hairy arm.

I decided that I shall not be reproached like this. "Good sir, I wager you 1000 francs that the bike indeed has a reverse gear, what say you to that?" Daniel's eyes nearly bulged out of his measly sockets. He replied with such confidence that it made me doubt myself. Nevertheless, the nincompoop compromised on the gentleman's wager. Daniel walked with a confident swagger towards the machine, whereas I used the large thing between my ears, (which wasn't my nose) and approached the rider and asked him the fateful question. The gay fiend, when he heard the truth, burst into an ecstatic trance and his button on his shirt nearly burst. He went into a sudden outburst and screamed what sounded to me like an insult, which vaguely sounded like 'meek', but dragged out over 10 seconds. I was astonished by the antics of our robust fellow, a little insulted perhaps but elated over the fact that I have triumphed over this mangy fellow. Moments later, the rider took his leave and gladly obliged us by reversing his bike in front of us. The moment it happened, streamers and confetti laced down from the skies, as wild cheers erupted. Daniel himself proudly gave a standing ovation with a wide grin on his enormous face. Daniel was clearly enthralled. That put a smile on my face too.
~Derrick