Scientists to Pluto: "Fuck-Off!"

It's finally happened. After years of bitter feuding, scientists have finally agreed that Pluto is no longer a planet. Instead, it has been cast aside and given the paltry classification of "ball of gas". Ouch!

In all fairness, Pluto was always a bit of a dodgy planet. When is the last time anyone even saw Pluto. At least Mars is close by and Venus is all seductive. Saturn has style-sense what with its shiny rings. Uranus is worth keeping for its name alone. Mercury is, well, silverish sounding. Neptune was always a decent planet. Jupiter is a huge motherfucker. What's Pluto ever done for us apart from being annoyingly far away. Look at that picture. Just look at it. What the fuck is that? Does that look like a planet to you? It could be a picture of a hemorrhoid for all you know? Call that a planet!

Does it really expect to be part of the party even though it's so antisocial. What's so great about it anyway. Oh it's cold. Alright, I have a refrigerator too. Ice cubes never scared me. I say it's high time we give the finger to that puff of fart we used to call a planet. It's about time we reject it for the puny little slut planet that it is (You know the joke about Pluto: It's the village spaceshuttle - Everyone's had a ride). Let's unite in hatred of Pluto. In fact, let's burn any and all books that mention that word. We can start with the ancient Roman and Greek texts which mention Pluto numerous times. Yes they were referring to a god, but we need to be firm and smoke these villains out of their caves. We need to erase all history concerning Pluto and forget it ever happened. If we forgot Rwanda, we can sure as hell forget Pluto.

A Wager Won - by Derrick

The 3 of us, seated upon this tasselled divan, sipping our daily dose of effervescent tea. I noticed a gleaming white colossal bike. I remarked to our rotund friend, Daniel, "Do you know not of an impressive function concealed within this menace of a motorbike?" "What dah?" he exclaimed. "The startling function is that this bike has a reverse gear!" Our burly friend rebuked me with such angst and tenacity. He said "No la. Nonsense. Don't talk cock." I was stupefied by his terrorising manner. His immense manner in which he rebuked me made me incensed. I thought to myself, "This imbecile's appalling behaviour would not even be tolerated by a mere cockroach, not to say myself." As it turned out, the irony of fate intervened and a cockroach landed on his hairy arm.

I decided that I shall not be reproached like this. "Good sir, I wager you 1000 francs that the bike indeed has a reverse gear, what say you to that?" Daniel's eyes nearly bulged out of his measly sockets. He replied with such confidence that it made me doubt myself. Nevertheless, the nincompoop compromised on the gentleman's wager. Daniel walked with a confident swagger towards the machine, whereas I used the large thing between my ears, (which wasn't my nose) and approached the rider and asked him the fateful question. The gay fiend, when he heard the truth, burst into an ecstatic trance and his button on his shirt nearly burst. He went into a sudden outburst and screamed what sounded to me like an insult, which vaguely sounded like 'meek', but dragged out over 10 seconds. I was astonished by the antics of our robust fellow, a little insulted perhaps but elated over the fact that I have triumphed over this mangy fellow. Moments later, the rider took his leave and gladly obliged us by reversing his bike in front of us. The moment it happened, streamers and confetti laced down from the skies, as wild cheers erupted. Daniel himself proudly gave a standing ovation with a wide grin on his enormous face. Daniel was clearly enthralled. That put a smile on my face too.
~Derrick

What in fuck's name?

I was doing my usual "research" on the net when misfortune knocked on my door. Why is there a black "chick" posting dozens of pictures of her ass here?Its just photo after nasty photo of her ass. why?

Turd

In the tall grass, among dead autumn leaves
sits a brown mass
on which a dog pees.
I thought it was a dead bird
but closer scrutiny
revealed it was a turd.
My face grew ashen, my knees trembled
as if hid a serpent in the bushy bramble.
I looked around to see who the culprit be
and all this while the dog continued to pee.
It reaked fetid and foul,worst than a year old ham.
Ah! Such stink could only be left of a man.
I swore upon St Diego that I'd hunt
dawn to dusk
for the culprit whose
ass I would fuck!

Years had passed.
The turd had long since disappeared.
On my face had sprouted
a most unruly beard.
I wanted to give up,
the search seem'd futile,
then I saw
something that got
me all riled.
That filthy beast was in the midst,
of depositing a turd in winter mist.
I crept up behind him and unsheathed my pole of solid Brass.
And with all my strength
rammed up right up his Arse.

Needless to say, he has seized turd-laying since
that day.
Curious though, last I heard, he's gay.

-by Garry 'agree-not' Johal

Punch

"Dozens of people

spontaneouslycombust eachyear. It's just not really widely

reported."

Time Bandit

Daniel. Known by many as the Time bandit, this innocent looking indian man has been recently given the title of the 9th wonder of the world for his outstanding late-coming ability.

I experienced first hand, much to my chagrin, this man's almost supernatural ability to defy all expectation and estimation in arriving biblically late. Indeed the last time I went to meet this rotund chap, he left me waiting at his void deck for several hours. There I bumped into another friend of ours named Aaron. The aforementioned personage informed me that he too was waiting for Daniel to turn up, and had been doing so for the past 4 years. As a result, poor Aaron had starved to death and had undergone extreme decay. His muscular man-bod had long since withered away, leaving behind his paltry skeleton. I could endure the endless waiting no more, so I took my leave. I offered to send Aaron to the hospital but he declined, saying that Daniel has just called him to check where he was and reassured him that he was "bashing down now".


Childhood friend Ivan has known Daniel since kindergarten, allegedly. Ivan is currently passing a petition around for the surgical implantation of the DICK, or Dermal Implant Chronological Korrector, into Daniel's duodenum. "The device shall be buried deep in the colon of the patient, and will release a small electrical shock of 300volts to remind the subject to maintain doctrines of punctuality", Ivan explained, holding in his hand the said device, which resembles an egg-beater. The petition has so far gathered 3,000,000 signatures from people around the world, from Singapore to Senegal. Ivan added that he went throught all this trouble so that not another innocent soul would have to suffer the wrath of "that stupid bopleck's Indian timing". Ivan himself has lost many months of his life standing on ceremony, waiting for Daniel and declared that "the fucker(Daniel) has to be stopped".

In a related development, NASA scientist are reportedly paying Daniel huge lumps of currency to be a test subject. Spokesgorrila Edward Linchpin of the NASA Quantum Sciences division, said in a press release earlier today that extensive research will be carried out into the phenomena of Daniel's "cosmic time dimension stretching" as this may shed some light on time-travel. NASA have been waiting since the 60s for Daniel to actually turn up at their Singapore headquarters, which is situated just across the road from his residence, at S-11. Despite already having been paid, Daniel has as yet not turned up, thus throwing major problems into the proposed research project's progress. NASA representatives informed that they have not been able to add anything to their meetings' minutes and that the NASA director is "nicely fucking us" about this. When questioned about the 45 year delay, one of the NASA project member said in between sobs, "he fucking lives just there!", pointing to Daniel's block, about 30 metres across the road from our location. When our cameras pointed to Daniel's unit, a dark figure was seen hiding behind the curtains, poking its head out every few minutes. Moments later a hand popped out from behind the curtain, displaying the devil's horns symbols. (Some shop attendants claim that in the early hours of the morning, ghostly cries of "bash bash" can be heard emanating from across the road.)



Daniel's late coming has also made him the subject of notoriety and investigation. He has been feature on 'TIME' magazine and is currently under investigation by a number of libraries, video rental stores for having failed to return items that were borrowed extremely long ago. Some of the items include, an autographed copy of the Bible, the first ever made video tape, The Pharoah's Beard(in hieroglyph format) and the original Constitution of the United States, which was borrowed from George Washington in the 17th century and promised "mike I'll bash this back to you tomorrow". The SSDC has also sent out a wanted poster with a $1 Million reward for the capture of Daniel. SSDC president, Mr Lok informed us that Daniel has registered for his Class 2B rider's license at least twice and has yet to attend a single practical.(In a related story, 3 teenagers committed suicide together and investigators say this was a suicide pact related to Daniel's not achieving his 2B license. Daniel was supposed to kill himself too, but has yet to do so). Lastly, Switzerland University is suing Daniel for damages in the amount of 3.5 million Swiss Francs. Apparently they had invented a machine that could tell the outcome of any even in the world, from the results of the next horse race to the second coming of Christ. But when they set it to calculate when Daniel would attain his 2B license, it exploded, killing 100 villagers in the process. They have already filed the case but it is not expected to arrive in court until 2078.


Daniel will be receiving the award for being the 9th wonder of the world this Friday at 8pm at Thomson community centre. The entertainment for the evening will be local jazz band Rudra. The guest of honour will be none other than P.Ramli and the food served will be, you guessed it, Ramli burgers. Daniel himself has been notified that the ceremony is this
Tuesday at 2pm, so that guest will only have to wait about 2 hours for him to walk, I mean, sideways walk in.